Training in Habits

The habits we acquire when we are young, whether good or bad, often endure for life. Our habits make it easier or harder for other people to live with us. Our habits help or hinder our learning. Our habits can either assist us in our walk of faith under the rule of God or enslave us to self-centredness.

When parents and teachers engage in habit training, we set before children a divine moral standard. We orient them toward a disposition that demonstrates consideration for God and others. In the end, the best course of action is to replace bad habits with good ones.

A habit is a pattern of behaviour that is repetitive and comes to us easily and quickly. A bad habit is one which impedes a person’s growth “in wisdom … and in favour with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Some bad habits cause friction in a person’s relationships with others. For example, a child frequently does not come to the table right away when called for a meal, leaving the rest of the family waiting while dinner gets cold. Other bad habits primarily interfere with a child’s learning. For example, a son habitually tunes out his father’s voice when his father reads to him, or a student continually forgets to raise his or her hand before speaking in the classroom. Unchecked, such habits ultimately hinder the growth of these children, so their parents and teachers need to take action to guide them back on the right track.
When we seek to break a bad habit in a child, sometimes our most instinctive route is to impose consequences that will make the habit undesirable. We must seek the Lord’s wisdom in finding a fitting consequence that will prove undesirable enough that the child will mend his or her ways. An overly harsh or illogical consequence might simply lead to confusion or further rebellion. An even tone of voice, rather than one of anger or bitterness, is also important in communicating consequences. Habit training done in a spirit of love is ultimately the most effective.
In the case of the child who dawdles after being called for dinner, her parents could explain to her that she must learn to consider how her actions affect other people in her family. They could set the expectation that she must come immediately to the table when called. A consequence for her disobedience could be that she must stay after dinner and do additional clean-up duties while the other children are permitted to be excused from the table to go and play. Since she delayed coming when called, the consequence is that her play time will be delayed. The sound of her siblings playing happily while she has to spend extra time cleaning up the dishes might discourage her from repeating this behaviour the next time.

Another strategy in habit training is to create circumstances in which good habits are easy and desirable to carry out. In the case of the child who habitually tunes out his father’s reading, the father might look for ways to make the habits of listening and attending easier and more desirable. He can consider the environment. For example, if the room chosen for their reading is cold, uninviting, has poor lighting, or is too noisy, then he could instead choose a quiet, cozy corner in the house that has comfortable seating and ambient lighting. Perhaps the book he is reading is so far beyond the child’s comprehension that his son simply tunes out in frustration. In that case, the father could select books that are more nourishing, engaging, and appropriately challenging for his son. If the father’s reading style is monotonous, he could work on varying his pitch and tone to make it more interesting. He could also ask his son to listen for particular things while they are reading or ask him questions about what they just read. When his son does attend, listen, engage, and respond to what is being read, the father could then express his pleasure at his son’s good listening. In doing these things, the father encourages his son to choose to listen rather than to tune him out.
For the student who habitually calls out in class without waiting to be given permission to speak, the teacher can help him by refusing to allow him the floor unless he first raises his hand. Consistency is key here because if the student is permitted to interrupt, he will continue to do so. A firm but friendly “Remember to raise your hand” from the teacher is usually effective. Then when the student does raise his hand, the teacher can say, “Thank you for your hand. Yes?” and allow him to speak. The teacher is training him in the habit of listening to others and waiting for his turn to talk, which helps him with his learning. She is also protecting the considerate atmosphere of her classroom, which helps all the students learn.

Sometimes a child may exhibit a change of habit without a change of heart (i.e., mere compliance to avoid discipline). In that case, we must pray that the inward heart will come into line with the outward behaviour. A transformed heart typically results in transformed behaviour. We must exercise patience in this whole process, since rarely is this an overnight transformation.

It should be noted that while the level of detail of explanation may vary, our training need not be devoid of explanation. However, at times the child’s understanding will follow obedience, rather than precede it. For example, a small child need not understand all the reasons for placing her shoes in a basket when she comes in the front door. It is enough to say to your toddler something like, “Put your shoes in the basket, dear.” A child who is consistently trained to do this from the time she begins to wear shoes will form this considerate habit and rarely leave her shoes out where others will trip over them. Attentiveness on the part of the parent to correct her and remind her to practise the good habit will help keep the bad habit from forming.

The inculcation of good habits and the elimination of bad habits are intimately connected. As Thomas à Kempis asserted, “Habit is overcome by habit.”¹Thomas à Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, trans. Aloysius Croft and Harold Bolton (Milwaukee: Bruce Publishing Company, 1940), 30. We must not merely think of what we do not want the child to do, but also what we want the child to do instead and train him or her in that good habit.

Obeying God’s command to love Him and love others necessitates treating others with consideration, and we do that daily by practising considerate habits. By these actions we demonstrate that we esteem others more highly than ourselves (Phil 2:3). Ultimately, habit training in our children ought to have the goal of teaching them to put Christ first in their affections. Jesus Christ has the power to break every sinful habit that we bring to Him when we surrender our lives completely to His control. We should not despair if, as parents and teachers, we are convicted that we have not done our duty in training the children in our care in virtuous habits. Rather, we should ask for the Lord’s help to begin again and pray that He will do the ultimate transforming work in their hearts (and ours) that we cannot do ourselves.